[He saw that poor, destroyed kid on the network. Saw Katniss take command, although it felt so intimate that he almost wished he hadn't. That's what Cassie's always done for him - bring him back, anchor him in the better side again. While Katniss may be more brusque by several million times, it's still warmed him to her even more.
So he wants to know if that poor, destroyed kid is okay, and if she is. But the last question can wait, because he knows it's not her priority right now.]
[ she doesn't know how to get into the rest. finnick seems to think that it's just the games, some remnant of that atmosphere that's affecting peeta now. but katniss has her own suspicions. the torture inflicted on peeta by the capitol seems to have affected his mind. real or not real. the capitol wants me to kill you.
she herself doesn't know whether she's strong enough to handle this on her own. except that of course she has to be, because she's katniss. ]
he was tortured for a long time. when i - when we broke out of the arena, some of us got taken by the capitol. they wanted information out of him. where i'd gone, where we were located. they brainwashed him.
[ she actually likes cole, so she's more inclined to be honest with him than most. and honest in a way that doesn't seem like an immediate dismissal. so it takes her some time, to find the right balance. ]
I lost one of those too. He switched sides on his own. Leaves you questioning everything, doesn't it? Wondering how you'll ever know if the next decision is the right one now.
[And he's not sure whether or not to say this, because it could sound like a hollow platitude - all he can do is hope their one meeting allowed her to know him better than that.]
He'll come back. I could tell that much right away. You gotta trust yourself in the meantime, that's what'll bring him back.
[ she can't even imagine someone she loves switching sides on their own. just the thought alone makes her ill, so it's good they aren't having this conversation in public or else katniss might do something ridiculous like throw her arms around him and hug him tight. and that would be terrible. ]
i don't know how to
[ no, that's not true. she's all she's ever had to rely on. peeta and haymitch and finnick and even gale to some extent, they all came later. she's been doing this since she was eleven. she's got this. ]
i'm sorry about your friend
you'll manage
[ they both will. that's what she's trying to say. ]
You'll figure it out. And you don't have to be alone. I know I'm an outsider and I don't get even half of what happened to you kids, but if there's something I can do.
[He's got to stop reaching out to the poor, damaged younger people this way. He's in no position to help anyone. But he's older, and he did the kind of thing they did longer, even if not to the extremes so many of them seem to have. Somehow, quite suddenly, he's become Ramse to so many little Coles, and he is not qualified for the part of Ramse.]
He's coming back too. We're managing.
Peeta's probably gonna blame himself when his head clears up, even when none of it's his fault. That's the hardest part to break through.
[ which is to say that katniss trusts him. she tends to gravitate toward older people anyway. all her proposed allies for the quarter quell were well past the bloom of youthfulness. it's just something she can relate to better. the weariness, maybe. knowing what it takes to look after something and somebody else. ]
good
he used to be so gentle. i never was. i could've handled it better
Well it's easier to say than believe. But he sounds like a good person, and they're the ones who can come back.
[He's seen evil so deep that there's no back for them, felt it in the presence of the Army. Seen madness that worked so hard to blot out good that it only shone through in brief, beautiful moments of struggle. He really doesn't think Peeta is resigned to either fate.]
[ haymitch once told her she could live a thousand lifetimes and not be worthy of peeta and she wasn't upset because she knows it's true. he's better than anyone and he doesn't deserve the life he's got.
now that she knows there are other worlds, she can't help but wish for him that he'd been born somewhere kinder, more gentle, so he could've been allowed to grow up soft. ]
[Maybe it's unfair to compare, but he and Cassie came through so much - not unaltered, not by any stretch of the imagination, and it kills him to think of how hard she became. But they came through, and he believes in these two.]
[ that's actually advice she can take and keep. she's stubborn enough to drag both peeta and herself kicking and screaming through this, if she has to. the fear that he might ever just disappear from her is starting to abate, thanks to cole. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He saw that poor, destroyed kid on the network. Saw Katniss take command, although it felt so intimate that he almost wished he hadn't. That's what Cassie's always done for him - bring him back, anchor him in the better side again. While Katniss may be more brusque by several million times, it's still warmed him to her even more.
So he wants to know if that poor, destroyed kid is okay, and if she is. But the last question can wait, because he knows it's not her priority right now.]
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[ she doesn't know how to get into the rest. finnick seems to think that it's just the games, some remnant of that atmosphere that's affecting peeta now. but katniss has her own suspicions. the torture inflicted on peeta by the capitol seems to have affected his mind. real or not real. the capitol wants me to kill you.
she herself doesn't know whether she's strong enough to handle this on her own. except that of course she has to be, because she's katniss. ]
he was tortured for a long time. when i - when we broke out of the arena, some of us got taken by the capitol. they wanted information out of him. where i'd gone, where we were located. they brainwashed him.
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What about you? How you holding up?
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he used to keep me steady
when things were bad
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[And he's not sure whether or not to say this, because it could sound like a hollow platitude - all he can do is hope their one meeting allowed her to know him better than that.]
He'll come back. I could tell that much right away. You gotta trust yourself in the meantime, that's what'll bring him back.
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i don't know how to
[ no, that's not true. she's all she's ever had to rely on. peeta and haymitch and finnick and even gale to some extent, they all came later. she's been doing this since she was eleven. she's got this. ]
i'm sorry about your friend
you'll manage
[ they both will. that's what she's trying to say. ]
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[He's got to stop reaching out to the poor, damaged younger people this way. He's in no position to help anyone. But he's older, and he did the kind of thing they did longer, even if not to the extremes so many of them seem to have. Somehow, quite suddenly, he's become Ramse to so many little Coles, and he is not qualified for the part of Ramse.]
He's coming back too. We're managing.
Peeta's probably gonna blame himself when his head clears up, even when none of it's his fault. That's the hardest part to break through.
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[ which is to say that katniss trusts him. she tends to gravitate toward older people anyway. all her proposed allies for the quarter quell were well past the bloom of youthfulness. it's just something she can relate to better. the weariness, maybe. knowing what it takes to look after something and somebody else. ]
good
he used to be so gentle. i never was. i could've handled it better
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And now he snaps from Ramse to Cassie. Used to be so gentle. I never was.]
All you can give people is what you've got. Doesn't make it any less of a gift.
[If only he could believe the same of himself.]
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[ which means that katniss would hug him if she hugged, but she doesn't and they aren't together anyway. faint praise is the next closest she gets. ]
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[He's seen evil so deep that there's no back for them, felt it in the presence of the Army. Seen madness that worked so hard to blot out good that it only shone through in brief, beautiful moments of struggle. He really doesn't think Peeta is resigned to either fate.]
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[ haymitch once told her she could live a thousand lifetimes and not be worthy of peeta and she wasn't upset because she knows it's true. he's better than anyone and he doesn't deserve the life he's got.
now that she knows there are other worlds, she can't help but wish for him that he'd been born somewhere kinder, more gentle, so he could've been allowed to grow up soft. ]
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Then he'll be back for sure. You can't wipe that out, just mess it up for a bit.
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[ she honestly couldn't trace a straight line from between their meeting to her trusting him like this, but here they are. ]
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[Maybe it's unfair to compare, but he and Cassie came through so much - not unaltered, not by any stretch of the imagination, and it kills him to think of how hard she became. But they came through, and he believes in these two.]
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[ that's actually advice she can take and keep. she's stubborn enough to drag both peeta and herself kicking and screaming through this, if she has to. the fear that he might ever just disappear from her is starting to abate, thanks to cole. ]
i'll be ok if he's ok
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